And Then There Was Smash
by Eposcriptor
Summary: The origins of the Smash Tournament are revealed and the history of its creator, Master Hand, are uncovered.
1. Handey

Disclaimer: All characters belong to their respective owners.  
  
And Then There Was Smash  
  
Chapter 1: Handey  
  
Tears! Do they not fall from the sky? Can it be said that the heavens weep upon human drama? Alas, the sobbing of the strata rarely comes upon a blissful moment. For upon such moments, the sun dost shine. When the rain cascades downward to the Earth's dry face, subtle shades of gray and black overwhelm all. The peoples' hearts are downed, and most depressing scenes ensue. So it was on such a day, when hearts were broken, and fantasies were fulfilled. Just as how when it rains it pours, a single thought of sadness begets a great depression.  
  
"Link." said Zelda, in a dejected manner. Zelda held a frown upon her face, while her eyes were fixed on the grass below, and she completed her façade by playing with her hands.  
  
Link looked upon Zelda's bright blue eyes, with a smile upon his face, and with a confident manner answered, "Yes my love?"  
  
Zelda opened her mouth slightly, but closed it again, until her words could escape her mouth, "It's just."  
  
"What?" sounded link, becoming more disheartened at every sound his beauty made. His smile was fading, and his confidence faltered.  
  
"Your hands." Replied Zelda, quite startled at what she had said, even more bewildered that she had gathered up the initiative to say such painful words.  
  
"My. Hands?" returned a confused and worried Link. He wasn't quite sure what was wrong with Zelda, nor what was wrong with his hands.  
  
Zelda continued, the tears of the sky streaming down her face, "They're just. not big enough!" She sighed and began, "I'm leaving you Link, you're inferior!"  
  
Link stared into Zelda's glowing eyes, mouth open, but without breath to speak. He trembled just like the coward Luigi, and laughed not for the sake of enjoyment, but for his lack of words. His eyes reddened and watered while his head fell and hung low. The fallen hero was down to his knees on the saturated earth with only the utterance of a few words. Yet the Princess Zelda remained standing, and her expressions as well.  
  
Only to complement the situation's abnormality Princess Peach, the less than refined princess of the Mushroom Kingdom, and the usually armor-clad bounty hunter, Samus Aran seemed to have fallen out of the heavens, right beside Zelda. Link wasn't quite sure whether he was dreaming or if what he was experiencing was reality, but either way, he would be bewildered nonetheless.  
  
Zelda yet again opened her mouth and calmly told Link, "Were going to have a foursome."  
  
Link's spirit began to rise, as he too is human, or close to it, and carried the lust that all people have, no matter what their position or power.  
  
"But." said the beautiful bounty hunter. "Not with you, your hands aren't big enough"  
  
Link was quite sure this was a dream now, as he never knew any of these women to have tendencies such as these. Though Link never asked about such delicate subjects.  
  
"They're having it with me!" Chortled the white glove known as Master Hand. He lowered slowly to the Earth, and landed cleanly on the dampened soil. After he finished his descent, the three women crowded around him. In a twist of fate befitting Link's despair and romanticism, Zelda whispered, "Sorry."  
  
"HANDEY!" shouted Master Hand's mother, "STOP PLAYING WITH YOUR DOLLS!" Master Hand put down his figurines and began to turn a shade of red. "MOM! THEY'RE NOT DOLLS! THEY'RE NINTENDO FIGURINES!" replied the embarrassed hand.  
  
"I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY ARE JUST PACK THEM UP!" Yelled the angry mother.  
  
"WHY!" whined the childlike dreamer.  
  
Master Hand's mother let out a deep sigh; her patience was growing thin. Her son had lingered at her house far too long, a good thirty years at the least. Like all parents must do, she had to get her son out into the world and out of her (now less than caring) arms. Not that she was an unloving mother, as she would certainly have to be to allow her son to live off of her and his fathers earnings for 30 years. Surely he could make a living, perhaps find a wife, and have children. Then again, the opposite of the aforementioned scenario was more likely. He would have to go nonetheless, if he failed, he would come right back, no doubt about that.  
  
"YOU'RE MOVING OUT, SO PACK YOUR THINGS AND GET DOWN HERE!" Explained Handey's (Master Hand's name) less than ecstatic mother.  
  
"Moving out!?" thought Handey. He had never been far away from his mother, let alone his room, and now she expected him to go out? Not just to the back yard, but out into the big world, where her motherly love could not reach him except through the phone or the letters only a caring person would care to send. "Wait, maybe I can find my heroes!" contemplated the giant hand. Though saddened by his separation from his mother, he could find those he fantasized about. Of course it would be of both our parties, of the author and the reader, to not go into those fantasies, as one was quite enough. Given new reason, the optimistic Handey packed up his things and hurried down the dark cherry stairs. He bid his mother a fond farewell, promised to call and write when advantageous to his time, and to take care. As Handey stepped through the doorway, luggage hanging from his fingers, the thirty-five year old took his first breath of independence. Handey was out in the world with his rather opaque goals, and the undefeatable spirit of child. 


	2. Crazy Hand

Chapter 2: Crazy Hand  
  
It is human nature to act upon a situation as is most profitable to an individual's being. Piety, on the other hand, is to act upon a situation as is most profitable to the being of all others around an individual. One could ask, "Why would piety be striven for if it is not advantageous to the individual who aquires it?" Simply put, to ensure the well being of their "true being", or the soul, if they do believe in such things. Which, in a society of waning faith, piety is not as great of a desired trait as it was in years past. One could relate this moral fall to the constant suing of those who are in many cases, quite innocent. Often, it is the won-ton behavior of an individual that creates the basis for the case, and the innocent lose their money, while the perpetrator legally receives his loot.  
  
Such an incident occurred to the newly independent Handey only just a few minutes after stepping through the proverbial gate of his parents' proverbial castle. Caught up in his insatiable glee, Handey happened upon a fellow hand. The friendly stranger issued a kind greeting and patted Handey on the back. Assuredly, the man regretted his decision later, as Handey froze upon the spot.  
  
With great distress, Handey shouted, "HELP! THIS MAN WAS TOUCHING MEEEEE!!!! HE HIT ME IN THE BACK!!!! HELP ME PLEASE!!!! HE HAS AN AGENDA!!!!"  
  
The stranger panicked, and attempted to calm down his frightened acquaintance. "Hey now, all I did was offer a greeting. I can assure you I meant no harm, just trying to be courteous. At least I didn't shoot you or perhaps knock you in the head a bit now, like some of those other chaps eh?"  
  
In a most ironic turn of events, the stranger's apology was received as a threat by Handey, and the scared little hand's glove began to yellow. Such a waste of a good glove if I may say so myself! But I digress. Soon a puddle of grotesque surrounded the shivering palm, and the stranger had the great misfortune of stepping into it.  
  
"Oh this is bloody beautiful! The man soils himself and I suffer from it! And I paid so much for this glove! Why do these things always happen to me! OHHH! I'M SO ANGRY I COULD KILL SOMEONE!" The stranger's face reddened, and his entirety began to shake violently. The event that started as a simple misunderstanding evolved into a cruel and unsightly scene.  
  
"HE TOUCHED MY PEEPEE! HE TOUCHED MY PEEPEE!" Hollered the mortified Handey. Though he was digging the stranger a deeper hole into the ranks of infamousy, one cannot blame Handey, as he, as you have most likely have deduced, is not well versed in the ways of society. Nevertheless, an opportunist lawyer walked by and recorded the scene between the two strangers. The lawyer knew he had a case, he could easily pass off the babbling hand as one of special needs, and the kindly stranger as a ruthless sex offender. He hurried over to Handey to tell him some "good" news.  
  
"Sir! This man was bad to you! I can help you! My name is Joe. That's right, Joe!" the lawyer was sure to speak slowly and accentuate his name as to help his special friend in understanding his words. Though he couldn't be expected to know Handey was not in need of special treatment from his boisterous display, but it still offends many to hear. Handey did not cease crying but grabbed the lawyer by the shoulders and made him his shield.  
  
"You know, you could take this man to court and get some money to use!!!" said an elated Joe, complete with a grin on his face and those eyes that one gives to instill confidence. Joe hoped that the hand would reply quickly, as he too had traversed, or rather was placed, into the pool of filth created by Handey.  
  
"You mean, I can get some money?" Handey's outlook upon the situation improved, as if he was to go through whatever procedures the man would have in mind, he might have the capital he needed to fund his journey.  
  
Joe stared into the eyes of the willing hand (where the eyes are exactly, I cannot be sure) and calmly let out, "Yes."  
  
As to prevent a long and drawn out segment of the trial that insued between Handey and the stranger would be most unprofitable to your time. To summarize, the cunning lawyer Joe won the hearts of the jury with Handey's childish behavior, and showed them clips of the ordeal that, if taken in context, would easily have been able to dispel all thoughts that the stranger was an evil rapist. The stranger had quite a string of misfortune, as he had lost both the trial and his dignity. It is quite the crime to accuse the innocent of being guilty and even moreso to remove their dignity as well. Unfortunately the poor old stranger was not yet rid of Handey.  
  
As punishment for his offense, and for the inability to pay for his crimes, the stranger was put into indentured servitude to the dismay of Handey. To even further remove the dignity of the stranger, he was stripped of his name, as he thought it only fair for the dignity Handey lost in the ordeal.  
  
"So, what are you going to call him Handey? Yawned the tired judge.  
  
Handey pondered for a moment, and paced the floor several times before he had conjured up a suitable name. "I shall call him. CRAZY!" 


End file.
